December 18, 2005

On not seeing and on courage

My left eye is pretty worthless and my right eye can go too. My eyeballs are in good shape. I have 20/20 vision! The reason I can't see is my brain can't see, especially through my left eye.

The thing is, it's not just vision-vision that's going. It's also cognitive "seeing" that is getting whited out and blurrily unidentifying what I look at. Perhaps it's a whole side of my brain that is more affected, eventually leading my whole brain into not-seeing.

I'm very scared and here is how I just noticed it:

I'm seeing a talk-therapist because I'm a solo person and sick and just have made a move to a new place. I'm going in case it helps. So she said: "Look how difficult it is for you to navigate the system [that is our current culture] and you are intelligent! Imagine how people with functional I.Q.'s of 75 getting by." I said, "It's not a kind culture at the moment."

Since she said that yesterday at 2 p.m., depression has dominated my psyche.

If I don't talk to anyone then I don't get so depressed. Now that I have to explain and explain, I don't know if I really want to live like this--dwelling in explanation of loss that no one would imagine if they didn't have to.

If I change the TV channel, I can't remember what I was watching. So I just flick back to see. Big deal, right?

But I present to others as 'intelligent' (due to my originally inherited abilities, and an understandable initial assessment, I understand). So, even as I was complaining to the proper authority about cognition problems, the authority instinctively couldn't imagine that the 'real cognitive' complaint applies to me.

Mind you . . . my real complaint is actually real fear of real disabilities. So here I am, 26 hours later, having slept heavily (depressedly) for most of those hours, feeling the fear brought on by talking, and seeing the courage that I will need.

The other part of the fear: lack of kindness between people that I know I don't want to see. We with M.S. need so much courage!

In fact, we might have to be leaders in hoping for and asking for kindness from people

. . . might this be the foundation for some very important contributions to the world from us? Perhaps living the need well is our important job for life's sake?

[I'm quite scared. I can especially tell when I feel so depressedly exhausted.]

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