October 06, 2005

Why is it always surprising when pain comes back?

To think that I've been humming along for 2-3 weeks virtually without pain. What a dream. The eye-ache, arm ache, leg ache is back. Dummy is back.

To think that there were minutes that were not essentially annoying and trying to live.

Happiness is a lack of certain things.

But, now that pain rules again, a pile of my concerns don't bother me any more.
(For example: filling out the questions for a sleep study.
Someday there will be a 'study' establishing that
the reason MS symptoms are 'not very well known'
is: we are past explaining stuff to people with so little experience--
especially more than one time.)

When I was more well last week I actually had a dream one night. I miss being able to dream. I'm sure it's connected with waking up exhausted. What was my dream? I was just deeply, sadly crying. But it was the best connection with my subconscious in months if not years. I woke up that morning and felt as if I had actually slept (for a change).

In awake life I sometimes have tears and sadness well up in my body but then I step it into knowing and feeling the courage that is in the situation. Courage comes body-wise and feelingly from the same source as tears. It can feel the same as crying only better.

But in my dream I was just crying.

2 comments:

Joel Gottlieb said...

Hi, Cecilia!

Joel was reading your blog when I got up this morning, so I looked over his shoulder. I hope that's ok.

Re: inability to dream,have you considered finding someone in your area who could conduct a "vision quest" for you? I think this may go by many names, but essentially it's a gentle process whereby one gets comfortable with lots of pillows and blankets (think naptime in kindergarten). Whether in a group or individually, the vision quest leader then begins a series of prompts about imagining a particular landscape, settling in, moving through to various new venues, etc. Always with an eye towards self-revelation that our left-brains so successfully keep from us! Then when the leader brings the participant(s) back to earth, as it were, all the internal journeyings are written down and/or related out loud.

I have been on several and am always surprised at the time distortion, because it feels as if I have been journeying for maybe twenty minutes when in fact over two hours has passed.

All of this is a very long-winded way of getting to one of the main points which is that after one of these vision quests, people tend to have vivid dreams which they remember!!

Best to you, Linda Gottlieb

Cecilia said...

Linda! Thanks for the note!

That sounds like fun. It's probably not a common procedure in this over-productive Washington D.C. culture. I'll have to look around to see if anyone is doing vision quests.

--Cecilia of this blog